Fear, Loathing, And Excrement in Iraq
On the bright side, I was moved to permanent quarters the other day. Very nice, room to myself, a chifarobe to hang clothes in a chest of drawers to my skivies in and a bed to sleep on and my very own bathroom. It rocks! There is one unfortunate problem with my new largesse. I have an eastern style toilet, also known as a squat thruster. It is essentially a hole in the floor and I suspect it contributes mightily to the Ode du A$$ bouquet ever present in my room. I certainly am not gonna complain because I could be much, much worse off butt (pun intended) I have real issues with the operation of my very own hole in the floor. Amazingly enough it is a complex procedure to properly operate said hole in the floor. It goes something kinda like this:
1. Step up on raised platform surround the hole
2. Drop trow.
3. Squat and extend hindquarters
4. Verify alignment
CHECK FIRE CHECK FIRE CHECK FIRE-Trousers have not cleared line of fire
Step down, completely remove trousers return to step 3
5. Re-verify alignment
6. SQUEEZE-FLEX-SQUEEZE-FLEX and repeat until all waste has exited the facility
*WARNING*
Operation may result in loss of balance.
7. Wiggle ass back and forth trying to get that last recalcitrant turd to properly engage with local gravimetric field
*WARNING*
Excessive wiggling can result in loss of balance and proper drop zone alignment and result in a really sh*tty situation
8. Reach for toilet paper
9. Remember that there ain't any cuz Iraqis don't us it and the Army Supply sumbitch at the FOB wouldn't give you any of theirs.
10. Curse spectacularly
11. Call into question the dubious parentage of said supply Sgt
12. Use some of the precious wetwipes for post operations maintenance and cleaning lieu of proper toilet paper that "is only issued to support coalition facilities"
13. Curse supply Sgt again after all I AM a coalition facility
14. Get dressed
15. Spray the hole down with conveniently located hand nozzle.
16. Stuff plastic wrapped toilet brush back in hole to stop the flies from swarming out of hole and cut down on Ode du A$$ bouquet
17. Wash up cuz ya just feel so dirty!
May God bless the American toilet. Long may she flush!
TO THE TYRANT NEVER YIELD
1. Step up on raised platform surround the hole
2. Drop trow.
3. Squat and extend hindquarters
4. Verify alignment
CHECK FIRE CHECK FIRE CHECK FIRE-Trousers have not cleared line of fire
Step down, completely remove trousers return to step 3
5. Re-verify alignment
6. SQUEEZE-FLEX-SQUEEZE-FLEX and repeat until all waste has exited the facility
*WARNING*
Operation may result in loss of balance.
7. Wiggle ass back and forth trying to get that last recalcitrant turd to properly engage with local gravimetric field
*WARNING*
Excessive wiggling can result in loss of balance and proper drop zone alignment and result in a really sh*tty situation
8. Reach for toilet paper
9. Remember that there ain't any cuz Iraqis don't us it and the Army Supply sumbitch at the FOB wouldn't give you any of theirs.
10. Curse spectacularly
11. Call into question the dubious parentage of said supply Sgt
12. Use some of the precious wetwipes for post operations maintenance and cleaning lieu of proper toilet paper that "is only issued to support coalition facilities"
13. Curse supply Sgt again after all I AM a coalition facility
14. Get dressed
15. Spray the hole down with conveniently located hand nozzle.
16. Stuff plastic wrapped toilet brush back in hole to stop the flies from swarming out of hole and cut down on Ode du A$$ bouquet
17. Wash up cuz ya just feel so dirty!
May God bless the American toilet. Long may she flush!
TO THE TYRANT NEVER YIELD
posted by Ed | 2/08/2006 07:42:00 AM
1 Comments:
Subsunk,
Thats funny shipmate! I'm a Chop, the only time I even would touch an RPM was to throw it at some no load nuke JO!
R/Ed
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